Life

Life is spirit playing with matter and energy to create form.  Trees, babies, songs, poems, dances, cities and gardens.  The only mistake we can make is to believe that anything could not be how it is.  As long as it is real, it is unlimited.  Why not make it beautiful?

Spirit can also be understood as the power of love.

Dancing Into Death and Hence Life

Rebecca's blog post today, Dancing to Completion, stirred my thoughts about dying and hence about living.  Last week as the release of toxins, triggered by the drug I am taking to clear them, stressed my heart enough to make breathing difficult, my pulse race and my legs swell, dying felt like a very real possibility.  It is interesting to face the reality of dying.  In the past such musings have been speculative.   When the reality feels immanent, the question deepens.

In the early days of the pain escalating, I was blessed to discover that there was peace and even joy if I stayed present, surrendering to the deepest part of me to sustain my well being.  I felt no fear of death.  In fact I was envious when someone else simply died; I felt the burden of being sentenced to a long life of endless pain.

This recent reflection convinced me that I am whole, there is nothing unfinished, nothing that I need to do.  But as I contemplated that I might suddenly  be released from the pain, the preciousness of life flamed up and sadness overwhelmed me.  The opportunity to love is worth whatever the price.  Life on this planet and all the beautiful beings who share it glowed with heart wrenching beauty.   I am choosing life and that choice feels eternal, whatever happens next.

Leonard Cohen's song "Going Home" captures the spirit of knowing "I do not have a burden", I have been burnished clean and the next steps I take will be "without the costume that I wore".

As I was finishing the draft of this piece an angel in the form of Sharon Stussman appeared at my door and introduced me to Ceres Community Project and now I know my physical stamina will be returning to me.  My life, every aspect of it, prepared me to help make this happen in Humboldt County.   

The opportunity to love just showed up.

Floating Free

The ship of my life foundered on the rocks

The heavy timbers groaned and gave way

Wreakage flowing to the sea

I float free, a leaf swirling, dancing in the current.

Again, Rebecca took the words and this time not only responded with a drawing, but with several.  The first tries were vivid bright colors, reflective of excitement and joy and while freedom can be that, they somehow felt too bright, too shiny.  When she sent me this one I knew she had understood perfectly and had captured the subtle sense that I hadn't quite acknowledged.  Seeing her drawing I understood that this freedom is very tender yet, the dance is only a slow swirl and depends on the water for movement.  My body has much healing to do and I must flow as I am taken.  How lovely to have a friend who can reveal my truth to me beyond what I can see myself.

Raining Poems

Words raining down
Echoing the essence of the moment,
Flowing on.

Rebecca Stauffer and I seem to have invented a new form of dance improvisation, I share words, she replies in images.

So Beautiful, it Hurts

Life is slow, luxuriously satisfying and easy.  I am blissful, content and joyful.  I am also in intense pain as my body tries to turn itself inside out with intense muscle spasms.  I find it impossibly funny that when everything in my life looks like it should be horrible, I’m finding delight in the fact that my new wheelchair can zoom and I haven’t moved this fast in years.  I hardly ever leave the house because I hurt too much.  I can barely carry on a conversation without writhing in pain and needing to take breaks to disappear into the ever soothing silence and yet I am at peace.  I have food, shelter, care, beauty and a fantastic love life.  There is immediacy, an invitation to stay present even more compelling than a great vacation.   There is a simplicity and beauty I would love to capture and share, like capturing a beautiful sunrise in a painting, but this beauty must be tasted, known from the inside out.  I can’t capture it in words or pictures and hand it to someone and expect them to understand.  We all have the capacity to taste an orange, but no amount of words or pictures can actually convey the experience of eating an orange, the burst of sweetness and tartness. 

One of the hardest things right now is being so happy and seeing so many others discontent and unhappy.   I have lots of time to surf the net and see how much the world revolves around fear.  Economics, entertainment and health care all revolve around fear.   It doesn't have to be this way.  It is not the truth, it is merely the distorted way we view the world.  We have the ability to creatively meet each moment with joy.  We can drop all the impediments to seeing and knowing that we worked so hard to build when we were utterly convinced our lives depended on the strength and attractiveness of the walls we meet the world with.  Inside we know, we just don’t believe we know and we don’t take the time to listen.  We believe what we need is outside of us and we must struggle to get it if it’s good and fight it off if it’s bad, but it is much more mysterious than that.  Is there another way?  Is it true that you actually do know?  It is only the curiosity to look that can take you there.  Can you face the truth of how you really feel and drop the real questions deep into your being and be still enough to hear the answers and brave enough to listen?