Dancing Into Death and Hence Life

Rebecca's blog post today, Dancing to Completion, stirred my thoughts about dying and hence about living.  Last week as the release of toxins, triggered by the drug I am taking to clear them, stressed my heart enough to make breathing difficult, my pulse race and my legs swell, dying felt like a very real possibility.  It is interesting to face the reality of dying.  In the past such musings have been speculative.   When the reality feels immanent, the question deepens.

In the early days of the pain escalating, I was blessed to discover that there was peace and even joy if I stayed present, surrendering to the deepest part of me to sustain my well being.  I felt no fear of death.  In fact I was envious when someone else simply died; I felt the burden of being sentenced to a long life of endless pain.

This recent reflection convinced me that I am whole, there is nothing unfinished, nothing that I need to do.  But as I contemplated that I might suddenly  be released from the pain, the preciousness of life flamed up and sadness overwhelmed me.  The opportunity to love is worth whatever the price.  Life on this planet and all the beautiful beings who share it glowed with heart wrenching beauty.   I am choosing life and that choice feels eternal, whatever happens next.

Leonard Cohen's song "Going Home" captures the spirit of knowing "I do not have a burden", I have been burnished clean and the next steps I take will be "without the costume that I wore".

As I was finishing the draft of this piece an angel in the form of Sharon Stussman appeared at my door and introduced me to Ceres Community Project and now I know my physical stamina will be returning to me.  My life, every aspect of it, prepared me to help make this happen in Humboldt County.   

The opportunity to love just showed up.