Rebecca's blog post
today, Dancing to Completion, stirred my thoughts about dying and hence about
living. Last week as the release of
toxins, triggered by the drug I am taking to clear them, stressed my heart
enough to make breathing difficult, my pulse race and my legs swell, dying felt like a very
real possibility. It is interesting to
face the reality of dying. In the past
such musings have been speculative.
When the reality feels immanent, the question deepens.
In the early days of
the pain escalating, I was blessed to discover that there was peace and even
joy if I stayed present, surrendering to the deepest part of me to sustain my
well being. I felt no fear of death. In fact I was envious when someone else
simply died; I felt the burden of being sentenced to a long life of endless
pain.
This recent
reflection convinced me that I am whole, there is nothing unfinished, nothing
that I need to do. But as I contemplated
that I might suddenly be released from
the pain, the preciousness of life flamed up and sadness overwhelmed me. The opportunity to love is worth whatever the
price. Life on this planet and all the
beautiful beings who share it glowed with heart wrenching beauty. I am choosing life and that choice feels
eternal, whatever happens next.
Leonard Cohen's song "Going Home" captures the spirit of knowing "I do not have a burden", I have been burnished clean and the next steps I take will be "without the costume that I wore".
As I was finishing the draft of this piece an angel in the form of Sharon Stussman appeared at my door and introduced me to Ceres Community Project and now I know my physical stamina will be returning to me. My life, every aspect of it, prepared me to help make this happen in Humboldt County.
The opportunity to love just showed up.
